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Weight-147
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I'm not going to bother explaining my absence. I'm back. I ate a fish burrito last night, and plan on stopping there. I've bought Alli. I'm not "overweight" (to them) but I'm giving it a go. I've moved in with my boyfriend, not eating around him might be hard. Current Weight: 147 Goal Weight: 128 (for now) Easten today- Current pictures coming soon.
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Short: Latte Non-fat- 350???? I dunno how much calories there are? Popcorm- 100 Hey Lover girls, I went to the doctors today, to get some Xanax and Adderall annnnd I weigh 152. With a hoodie and sweats. Cheehoo. I didn't eat until last night I sorta grinding. Today I had a non-fat latte and 6 pieces of buttery popcorn before being throughly discusted and tossing it. My girls and I went shopping in Carmel and I couldn't bring myself to buy anything becuase I'm huge. Why should a 152 pound girl who should be in 0-2 and extra small buy size 29 or medium...yucky. Regardless, I dropped a buck at LUSH. I got soap and shampoo and body butter and hella yummy smelly relaxing shit. I have HOT DATE with my shower tonight. I still need a dress for my big 21. I asked a boy out tomorrow, he's a sr and hot and hilarious, he sails and I want to keep him. My best girl Bobbi is flying in from Hawaii today and I can not wait to see her. She told me to bring her a snack... I'll bring her one sammy and me notttthhhhinnnng. I was sooooo light-headed all day until I had that coffee. I forgot how freaking amazing that feels. Love you ladies.
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So, just to clarify, i said in my last post that I hate purgers and I think they are weak. I didn't mean it like that I'm so sorry if I offended any girls. I meant I hate when I purge. I feel weak and shitty. Anyways, I just wanted to apologize. Yesterday I ate: Apple- 100 Coffee- 5 Slice of cheese pizza with crust and most bread torn off- 400 Salad- 300 15 teddy grams- 200 1005 k. I had to go get dinner with my suitemates, walked around for like 30 then purged as much as I could when I got home. I have to do laundry and clean my apt then class and lab from 2 to seven, that should help with my evening food issues. I wanna fast with someone, any takers? A weekend fast? Please tell me how the fuck I can keep my head with all this shit flying at me?? Love love. L |
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Short: Half an apple- 100 k Coffee- 5 Long: Last night, I ate half a top ramen, then puked it up for the most part. I also had a few m and m's and a handful of cheese its. It's still not that much food. I'm going to my three hour chem lab at 2 then I'll do homework or go the gym. I don't plan on going to dinner. I think I'm running out of meal points actually, which I'm fine with. I checked the stats at my school today and 268 girls last year went to consoling service for ED. I'm going to get some fuckin' Xanax.
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this is me. Horrifingly huge. So, wait a few months and I'll be skinny and live will not suck. |
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So I just got a new laptop, which make posting so much easier. It really a relief to get back on here. Just to write and get the support of this community is amazing. I was pretty much on the road to recovery then i moved to school in Cali and I'm falling back into old ways. I didn't go to class today because i felt like shit. I'm taking oceanography, chemistry, bio, calc 2 and all those classes have labs... My weight is like 160 or something ew and I need to get back down to 125 or lower. My goal weight by the end of september is 150. My 21st birthday is on the 12th and I'm dreading my friends from hawaii coming in and drinking and eating. It will be a ture test. Today I've had nothing and yesterday all i had was egg whites and a bisquit. I fuckin' hate food, it is discusting, it totally replusives me, I hate how i feel after i eat, i hate seeing people chew. Yuck, im over it. |
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So my extenstive social life is why I'm fat. Friday, I stayed home exercised and everything hardly eat. Saturday I worked and hardly ate, then on saturday night we went camping in punalo where I decide okay I'll just drink hards, but after meeting a very cute boy begam pounding beers then ate a veggie burger then poundedmore beers. Sunday, I worked,then had dinner at my friends where i ate mashed potato's wine bread and cheese. UHH Today, I worked and ate hardly nothing at work two egg whites at home then my friend convinced me to get pupu's and drinks with her and another friend. I totally didn't want to spend money on that and didn't want to drink or eat but i wanted to do something so I did, I had a huge salad some calamari and mushrooms and 2 sweet drinks with extra vodka. I hardly got drunk then I got home and had a care package from my hunny boy, he sent me a lacoste shirts, jeans and some bath bombs and a random top. Soooo sweet of him I tried the 200 dollars jeans on, and what a surprise, I couldn't even come close to getting them on. Size 26. I'm like a 30 right now. After that I went to the bathroom and puked and puked and puke. Little came up but I felt better. I hung the jeans on my wall. Motivation. I will resist food and I will get back in the swing of things and I'm so over my job in a resturant. Tomorrow I will wake up early and run. I haven't weighted myself since it said 147 the other day, im sure after a weekend of food and drink it will be higher. I'm taking a week off work starting after my shift tomorrow. I can't wait!!!! I'm gonna lose lots this week. |
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       Fat as fuck. Today I ate: 1500 maybe more cals. Ahi Sandwich- Lemon ginger juice Acai-200 Yogurt- 110 Ceral- 120 Banana-100 coffee withcream- 100 Mac Nuts- 100 I did: Crunches 10 min on stairs worked all day |
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Life got outta contol. things has been weird. I'm living in a beach house alone in hawaii. I'm fat again 150 pounds. Wored in a restruant= gained so much. my thighs touch.all the way to my knees. i cant fit any of my jeans. I love my life and my friends, ive made many great one in hawaii but i hate myself. I'll be back in cali so soon. I just got on and off the scale, it says 140. I'll post pictures but I'm so discusted with myself. I'm going for a run right now . Here is what went wrong: Booze Rice Mac Salad Friends who eat and drink lots working in a resturant. Here how I'm fixing it: Sorry for such a depressing post. |
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Hey Mamas, Life is decent. Got my car back! Guess what!!! Yesterday I ate: half cup of pasta with Marinera Garlic bread. Less than 900 calories. Way less. Then I got on the scale and I weight 137. I bought my tickets to hawaii, 800 round trip for first class. That is not that bad but my mom paid for it. Today I plan on hitting the gym and fasting. I almost did it yesterday, but at 10 my moms offered me some bomb pasta. I didn't work out. Yesterday, I bought the hottest Vix swimsuit ever. Well my ex-boyfriend bought it for me. The bottoms are brazilian cut/fit, which basically is mean MINIMAL coverage in the back. This style is hella the rage in hawaii but my ass is large, always has been, um full. I hate it. So in the next 14 days I'm doing mad butt exercises to get shit taut for my oh so revealing swimsuit. Anyways I'll take some photos later in the week of swimsuits I'm bringing to the island. Things are good with my hunny boy. He told his ex they can't talk at all anymore, which shows me he misses her but wants to move on. I have modeling cast calls to reply to right now...uh gay. |
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my stoney entry is hilarious...i was incredibly fucked up and i wont smoke weed for a long while after than shit. today i layed in the sun all day and ate a banana- 200 torilla chips- 200 bread with peanut butter- 300 700 calories...and im through for the day. |
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I'm sooo stoned and decided to write an entry.
I got stoned with my little brother and his friends.
I binged earlier, bread and butter and bread and peanut butter.
I feel more inclined to write and like not just sit around, its kinda ancy and weird.
I'm blowing off shopping to do this right now, and I'm scared my mom is comming home soon.
I totally prefer pills. |
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My car was fucked from the deer. It at the dealership now. 2000 dollars to do anything to it. BWM's SUCK. I'm driving my brother Range Rover around and its huge and I hate it. I weigh the same. I ate I'm done for the day. My hunny boy invited me to australia this summer. Still need to get laid... |
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I haven't gotten laid in like two weeks. I'm gonna make a pass at this boy I work with. He has a girlfriend. And hes 28. I told my hunny boy I was over it. We are to far away from each other most of the time, and I worry constantly where its gonna go next and how he feels about me. I care about him too much. We have been friends since we were 15 and I want either a lot more or not much and I hate this weird inbetween and I don't think either of us are ready for more nor can it work smoothly me being in nor cal and him in la. I need a B-U-D-D-Y. Someone please, fuck me. I've been considering deleting my journal and making a new one under a fake name and lying about other details. I'm soooo paranoid lately about people i know stumbling across my journal or photos. I'm in a weird mood. I have two dental appts today and a doctors to get yummy adderall!! I ate a waffle and coffee. |
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So, I hate when I get those comments that I KNOW are right. That remind me that this thing is completely irrational. It makes me feel crazy, i want to believe, i want to feel pretty, i want to workout and eat well with out obessing over numbers or my thighs. Okay, so i go to therapy and I don't talk about it. I tell her i eat and workout and worry about my weight. I've told her I have never felt pretty. Its so complicated and I don't know what to do. So 'Tash' was a user who pointed out to me how riciclious I am. Like i haven't seen girls in a situation like my own, worse than my own. I know how horrible it is. Uhhhh. But at the same time, I LIKE how i feel when i don't eat. I like seeing the numbers going lower and lower. I feel like shit kinda. Today: Weight- 137 I work at 6 am ALL week. But it keeps my afternoons free. I'm getting a massage tomorrow and going car shopping. L |
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So, this is discustin but, the master cleanse makes your ass sting when you take a shit, its gotta be the cayanne pepper. Just a warning, ladies. Sorry if it was TMI. So I decided yesterday to ignore my hunny boy, kept my phone off and didn't go on-line. you know i was unreachable. I wanted to see if he would not call for a few days or chill or whatever. But at 11 am text message, "Hey you, hows your day" today i ate: 950 give or take. |
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contemplative
anxious
